Finding Hope in a Hopeless Place

Good Afternoon Followers and Friends!

I'm happy to be back bogging, however I have felt stuck... hence why I have yet to post anything aside from my "I'm back post"... I guess I'm unsure what I should be writing about, how much I actually want to divulge of my life on the internet at this point.

However, I want to talk about the power and importance of "just doing" even when it feels pointless, hopeless, a waste of time and energy. Lately, things have been very hard. In fact, the past several months have been a constant up and down. Looking back on the summer, I can not even count the number of times I wanted to give up. I wanted to throw in the towel, stop fighting my anxiety and eating disorder, quit my jobs, go back into treatment, stay in bed all day, I even admit I had some strong thoughts of ending my life ( nothing I wanted to follow through on! But, it's scary to even have those kinds of thoughts). But I just kept doing. Kept waking up, getting out of bed, going to work, trying my best to keep myself medically stable... by no means was this easy. There was and still is SO far for me to go to actually LIVE my life as opposed to just kind of be there. But none the less, I fought on. I pushed myself to at least participate somewhat in life.

Looking back on my summer, I am so proud and happy that I pushed myself. There were SO many occasions that were close calls... I almost missed my brothers wedding, almost didn't choreograph and co-direct an amazing musical for summer theater camp, almost didn't spend 4 weeks teaching ages 3-9 dance at "Princess" and "Rock Star" camp, almost didn't complete a summer class. However, I DID. I did do all these things, through the struggle and pain. I learned so much, I made such a huge impact of children's lives, I reconnected with my passion for teaching dance and theater to children, I realized it is my calling... it is what I want to do with my life.

Had I thrown in the towel back in June, I would have missed out on all of this. WOW. It's pretty amazing and encouraging that even in what I would call a "half-life" (half in life/ half in my crazy disorders and ways) I could accomplish so much. Maybe if I just keep pushing on, through all this hard stuff I can really overcome.

I have to be careful though, it is easy to think "this is the best it can get." But deep down I know I'm not meant to live a half-life. God gave me some pretty amazing gifts, he also gave me some pretty crappy struggles. I think it's finally coming together in my mind that the more I push through the struggles, the more my gifts apear.

Had I not pushed myself, I probably would be in some treatment center right now. Doing what I have done 13 times over and over and over. But instead, I can continue to "just do".. keep making progress even when it literally feels like there is no possible way I can. Clearly there is, or I never could even be as far as I am right now.

I'm Back!!!

It's been over a year since I have blogged. In fact.. I deleted all my previous posts several months ago while away in treatment in Miami. However, I have recently felt compelled to start blogging again. I am so tiered of struggling in silence. I do not want to be viewed as an eating disorder, which is why I deleted everything. However it is something I battle with all day, every day. Something I deal with the consequences of, every day, and something I try so hard to fight, every. single. day. It's exhausting but I'm not giving up. I want to be able to share my life with others. To help someone else know they are not alone, to help people see that progress can still be made and much can be learned in the deepest struggles.